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I’m Single And Okay With It

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“Full disclosure: I have a girlfriend.” A friend texted me yesterday minutes before we were to grab a drink. I laughed to myself thinking this must have been slightly eating at him. Conversing with me regularly, not lying, but omitting the whole truth. We had fleeting moments of dating at times when my heart wasn’t whole, but in the recent months we were just friends.

And last night that’s what I needed, a friend, neutral ground to be with someone who knows me. I was coming off a couple days in the countryside with a man with potential, but after real chats with intention and dimension I knew we would never be more than friends. And it saddened me, but more so I just couldn’t wait to drop him off.

It’s funny how the heart knows, holding its contents tight, waiting for the one worth opening for. I wanted it to be real, but I could not for the life of me get my body to feel, anything. So I texted my “friend” I wanted comfort; connection with someone I know would just be there for me. A man I knew who would answer and listen.

I wondered if he thought I was texting him for a rekindling, knowing I have a tendency to keep my intentions cryptic. (What do you mean you can’t read my mind) I loved his straight forwardness and the fact he respects his girlfriend enough to tell me about her. I said “that’s fine” and finished with “actually that’s awesome, when and who and she’s a lucky girl”

We need more truth tellers, more men who are clear with their intentions in and out of relationships. I’m strive to fuck my morse code because vulnerability isn’t always comfortable (ironic I know), but I need a man with presented clear intentions and that requires me to do the same. I think when you meet someone who is your forever person you just know. I haven’t felt in the know for a long while.

And although that lack of knowledge scares me at times, I have a feeling its just part of the process. I don’t care to know anymore. I let my heart take the lead long ago And my mind eventually comes in tow I don’t believe we choose to love whom we do, but fate in the ultimate gate to courtship.

So for now I trust, it’s a must, a non negotiable when it comes to you and me. 

(Published on August 24, 2017 on Thought Catalog)

How We Have Ruined The True Definition Of Love By Having Too Many Expectations

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I’ve been hearing a lot about ‘almost love’. The ‘almost perfect’, ‘almost in a relationship’, ‘almost what I want’, ‘the tip of the tongue’ kind of love.

People say, “if he/she had this quality they would be the one”. Wow, that seems like a lot of pressure, doesn’t it?

When did checking off boxes becomes the key to lasting love? 

I can’t help but think that that creates a relationship that is doomed to be encapsulated by fear and insecurities.

The idea of living up to this perfect expectation of a partner seems daunting. No wonder I have brilliant, talented, did I mention beautiful friends, who are single.

Who can take the stress of work, school, family and on top of that; a love that is being questioned? And why are are expected to be a best friend, a soul mate, a lover, a mother, an entertainer, a chef, a provider, and a maid?

Who the fuck can be all that? I certainly can’t and I don’t want to be. 

Why are we so afraid to settle? Well, because settling is failure. Settling is throwing in the towel on our aspirations, our goals, the ideal picturesque all American family. No wonder we are a society driven to excess.

The pressure of life is squeezing us so tightly, no wonder alcohol and drugs are the cultural norm. We have steam to blow off and if we didn’t release it, we’d probably explode.

Are we really wired to be it all? Is there enough time in the day/week/month to even attempt it?

No. That’s what causes disease. Stress, it’s the number one cause. We need less commitment, less things on our to do list.

Love shouldn’t be a checklist, it should be felt deep within the heart, soul, mind, so deep you can feel it when you breathe. 

Love is not a connect the dots type of thing, it just is. No questions. It’s unsaid. Fuck the bullshit ideal that some article is telling you to do.

Let your heart and intuition guide you. If it’s a maybe, it’s a no. If someone is questioning you, walk away because you are someone else’s absolute ‘yes‘.

(Published February 22, 2017 by Thought Catalog)

This is Being 26.

 

5 day-old wine stains my bottom sheet.
I’ll do the laundry tomorrow I think to myself. 
Amazon boxes, a water filter missing the proper appendages to function
and bowls once inundated with #glutenfree cereal lay strewn around my room
Sundays soul cycle garb, sweaty & untouched in a complimentary plastic bag
A millennial museum.
My wireless printer too smart for my old computer sits incompatible, adjacent to pictures that will never be hung
Crystals to clear my Aura that have just stopped working their magic on my windowsill.
So much potential lies within this room yet a film of apathy lingers
I got up today I rejoice
Now what.
Craigslist.
Who wants to hire me?
This is 26.
Who needs money when you have passion!
My rent gives me the side smile.
Who’s hungry?!
Sweet green for all! 
My father’s credit card still attached to the app. 
For my health I tell myself. 
Greens with a side of parental guilt, my favorite meal.
I finally hung that mirror last week, success.
It came 3 inches from concussing me in my sleep last night. 
This is 26.
A text: Renew your Obamacare. Xoxo Dad
I’ll adult later. 
A banner: Shannon from Hinge likes my story.
Did I accidentally click the interested in females button?!
No, it’s Shannon the boy. 
Phew. 
He’s a Trump supporter, next.
This is 26.
So and so successful person was broke and sleeping on his friends couch at 27, so that gives me approx 5 months to be somebody.
But I’m all Kings of Leon I could “use somebody”
That’s the easy way out.
If I wanted my Mrs. I would have pursued that in college.
I choose the teacher.
Cause I love to learn.
The hard way. 
This is 26. 
My banks fraud department called me yesterday.
Was I trying to purchase something at the BIG & TALL store?
No, not lately.
I’m on a budget.
This is 26.
I have two job interviews this week.
“To supplement my income”
Cause passion doesn’t pay the bills…yet.
Started from the bottom, now we here. 
Wish me luck, this time I’ll give a fuck.

(Published December 16, 2016 by Thought Catalog)