love

I’m Single And Okay With It

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“Full disclosure: I have a girlfriend.” A friend texted me yesterday minutes before we were to grab a drink. I laughed to myself thinking this must have been slightly eating at him. Conversing with me regularly, not lying, but omitting the whole truth. We had fleeting moments of dating at times when my heart wasn’t whole, but in the recent months we were just friends.

And last night that’s what I needed, a friend, neutral ground to be with someone who knows me. I was coming off a couple days in the countryside with a man with potential, but after real chats with intention and dimension I knew we would never be more than friends. And it saddened me, but more so I just couldn’t wait to drop him off.

It’s funny how the heart knows, holding its contents tight, waiting for the one worth opening for. I wanted it to be real, but I could not for the life of me get my body to feel, anything. So I texted my “friend” I wanted comfort; connection with someone I know would just be there for me. A man I knew who would answer and listen.

I wondered if he thought I was texting him for a rekindling, knowing I have a tendency to keep my intentions cryptic. (What do you mean you can’t read my mind) I loved his straight forwardness and the fact he respects his girlfriend enough to tell me about her. I said “that’s fine” and finished with “actually that’s awesome, when and who and she’s a lucky girl”

We need more truth tellers, more men who are clear with their intentions in and out of relationships. I’m strive to fuck my morse code because vulnerability isn’t always comfortable (ironic I know), but I need a man with presented clear intentions and that requires me to do the same. I think when you meet someone who is your forever person you just know. I haven’t felt in the know for a long while.

And although that lack of knowledge scares me at times, I have a feeling its just part of the process. I don’t care to know anymore. I let my heart take the lead long ago And my mind eventually comes in tow I don’t believe we choose to love whom we do, but fate in the ultimate gate to courtship.

So for now I trust, it’s a must, a non negotiable when it comes to you and me. 

(Published on August 24, 2017 on Thought Catalog)

Dating Fate

I ran into the one from my past. 

The one that broke me open, left me unsure I'd ever find another lover.

The one I moved cities for and left cities to escape.

I hurt for a long time after we parted

He was my first true lust

The kind of love you develop in the most non challant of ways

A drunk haze

The youth of our folly 

But dear god you made it holy

The "I'm not looking for love but this is a divine time and we cannot predict the way hearts align"

So I gave in and he got under my skin

But sometimes good things have to end.

••• "I'll see you around."

••• "Absolutely" I smiled back knowing we'll never see each other again.

He was in my hood'.

And I was talking to him the way I talk to customers at work.

••• "I saw your brother last week"

•••"He mentioned that."

Even after three years, the air is thick with words unsaid and threads in my head. 

I was going to go to the hardware store, but I decided to be on time. 

I didn't know i had a date with fate.

Destiny is always fucking with me.

I must be pure entertainment for fate and his fickle friends.

Shit like this is always happening to me....or for me. 

I'm taught the latter looms closer to the truth. 

He held Thai food by his side and I wondered if his order is still the same.

Drunken noodles. To match his mind.

I never thought I would walk by this boy turned man and not want to cry.

I still love him but in a you were so good for my younger heart kind of appreciation. 

You eventually stop missing someone you no longer know.

Even so, he may always have a piece of my heart in tow.....

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Let's Fight the Good Fight Together

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It is our social responsibility to stay conscious.

I hate the news, I think it leaves a horrible imprint on a sensitive soul. Yet, everyday I make a point to take in the turmoil we call our morning news. It’s my daily dose of venom to keep me up to date with the poison that is slowly killing our morale.

Why? For a long time I disconnected, shunned the media to protect myself from the harsh reality. I’m sensitive AF, when I read about people being shot, the target of the week, that person is my brother, my sister, my mother, my cousin, my family. I feel it all; I feel hard. But you know what sucks more than feeling shitty while you drink your coffee?

Feeling scared every.moment.of.every.day. because you were born black in America. I have no idea how that feels and I never will. Perhaps other prejudice I will experience, but in this era I will never know what it’s like to be an African American in America. It’s sad to think that 70 years after the civil rights movement we are still battling for equality.

Strong men and women put their blood, sweat and tears into fighting for the right to feel safe in their own streets and that is not yet a reality. Because of the color of their skin, how do we stand for this, it’s embarrassing. We have a President openly displaying hate and people actually condone that behavior. Are you fucking forealz?

It’s 2017 and if you think being anything but OPEN to new ideas, people, innovations, colors, orientations is ok, YOU are living under a polar ice cap. But I guess we’ll have to wait for those to melt until you start to see the truth cause I bet you think global warming doesn’t exist. But when you see the light (cause the sun is only getting hotter) it will be too late and I don’t want to wait that long. I’m impatient; I’m talking to you, Don. The time is now for a revolution; we must create it. We must engage in conversation. Step outside your fucking comfort zone.

Connect. Question. Converse. Dig. Read. Keep reading and wonder, ponder; how can we as individuals or a small collective of like-minded people make a difference? The answers will surface and when they do I hope a fire is LIT AF in your body. I hope you care enough to pass the torch, whether it’s a shift in perspective or truly listening to someone who needs to be heard.

Let’s band together, let’s connect. Let’s instill more human connection into our everyday interactions. Maybe if we all felt a little more understood we could release the anger, hate, and hopelessness before we turn to rash actions.

Maybe if we felt heard, we could talk it out and express our confusion before innocent people are hurt. Violence is an act of miscommunication of the self. It’s an inappropriate way to express how one feels about a situation. It’s an action of hopelessness and desperation, but fuck does it have an impact. Violence has an impact that carries so much baggage, literally and figuratively. It perpetuates drama and fires people up. Let’s find another way to get fired up. You can’t control others, but you can control your actions. Let’s have a conscious fight, a fair fight, let’s come in peace.

You want to be a badass, create an impact that vibrates love. Violence is low, it’s a dead energy that stirs hate. Let’s stir love and vibrate higher. Be friendly, be open, talk to people and truly listen. Smile, say hi, talk to your Uber driver; set positive examples for humanity. The good fight starts with you.

(Published March 10, 2017 by Thought Catalog)

How We Have Ruined The True Definition Of Love By Having Too Many Expectations

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I’ve been hearing a lot about ‘almost love’. The ‘almost perfect’, ‘almost in a relationship’, ‘almost what I want’, ‘the tip of the tongue’ kind of love.

People say, “if he/she had this quality they would be the one”. Wow, that seems like a lot of pressure, doesn’t it?

When did checking off boxes becomes the key to lasting love? 

I can’t help but think that that creates a relationship that is doomed to be encapsulated by fear and insecurities.

The idea of living up to this perfect expectation of a partner seems daunting. No wonder I have brilliant, talented, did I mention beautiful friends, who are single.

Who can take the stress of work, school, family and on top of that; a love that is being questioned? And why are are expected to be a best friend, a soul mate, a lover, a mother, an entertainer, a chef, a provider, and a maid?

Who the fuck can be all that? I certainly can’t and I don’t want to be. 

Why are we so afraid to settle? Well, because settling is failure. Settling is throwing in the towel on our aspirations, our goals, the ideal picturesque all American family. No wonder we are a society driven to excess.

The pressure of life is squeezing us so tightly, no wonder alcohol and drugs are the cultural norm. We have steam to blow off and if we didn’t release it, we’d probably explode.

Are we really wired to be it all? Is there enough time in the day/week/month to even attempt it?

No. That’s what causes disease. Stress, it’s the number one cause. We need less commitment, less things on our to do list.

Love shouldn’t be a checklist, it should be felt deep within the heart, soul, mind, so deep you can feel it when you breathe. 

Love is not a connect the dots type of thing, it just is. No questions. It’s unsaid. Fuck the bullshit ideal that some article is telling you to do.

Let your heart and intuition guide you. If it’s a maybe, it’s a no. If someone is questioning you, walk away because you are someone else’s absolute ‘yes‘.

(Published February 22, 2017 by Thought Catalog)