lonliness

I’m Single And Okay With It

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“Full disclosure: I have a girlfriend.” A friend texted me yesterday minutes before we were to grab a drink. I laughed to myself thinking this must have been slightly eating at him. Conversing with me regularly, not lying, but omitting the whole truth. We had fleeting moments of dating at times when my heart wasn’t whole, but in the recent months we were just friends.

And last night that’s what I needed, a friend, neutral ground to be with someone who knows me. I was coming off a couple days in the countryside with a man with potential, but after real chats with intention and dimension I knew we would never be more than friends. And it saddened me, but more so I just couldn’t wait to drop him off.

It’s funny how the heart knows, holding its contents tight, waiting for the one worth opening for. I wanted it to be real, but I could not for the life of me get my body to feel, anything. So I texted my “friend” I wanted comfort; connection with someone I know would just be there for me. A man I knew who would answer and listen.

I wondered if he thought I was texting him for a rekindling, knowing I have a tendency to keep my intentions cryptic. (What do you mean you can’t read my mind) I loved his straight forwardness and the fact he respects his girlfriend enough to tell me about her. I said “that’s fine” and finished with “actually that’s awesome, when and who and she’s a lucky girl”

We need more truth tellers, more men who are clear with their intentions in and out of relationships. I’m strive to fuck my morse code because vulnerability isn’t always comfortable (ironic I know), but I need a man with presented clear intentions and that requires me to do the same. I think when you meet someone who is your forever person you just know. I haven’t felt in the know for a long while.

And although that lack of knowledge scares me at times, I have a feeling its just part of the process. I don’t care to know anymore. I let my heart take the lead long ago And my mind eventually comes in tow I don’t believe we choose to love whom we do, but fate in the ultimate gate to courtship.

So for now I trust, it’s a must, a non negotiable when it comes to you and me. 

(Published on August 24, 2017 on Thought Catalog)

Dating Fate

I ran into the one from my past. 

The one that broke me open, left me unsure I'd ever find another lover.

The one I moved cities for and left cities to escape.

I hurt for a long time after we parted

He was my first true lust

The kind of love you develop in the most non challant of ways

A drunk haze

The youth of our folly 

But dear god you made it holy

The "I'm not looking for love but this is a divine time and we cannot predict the way hearts align"

So I gave in and he got under my skin

But sometimes good things have to end.

••• "I'll see you around."

••• "Absolutely" I smiled back knowing we'll never see each other again.

He was in my hood'.

And I was talking to him the way I talk to customers at work.

••• "I saw your brother last week"

•••"He mentioned that."

Even after three years, the air is thick with words unsaid and threads in my head. 

I was going to go to the hardware store, but I decided to be on time. 

I didn't know i had a date with fate.

Destiny is always fucking with me.

I must be pure entertainment for fate and his fickle friends.

Shit like this is always happening to me....or for me. 

I'm taught the latter looms closer to the truth. 

He held Thai food by his side and I wondered if his order is still the same.

Drunken noodles. To match his mind.

I never thought I would walk by this boy turned man and not want to cry.

I still love him but in a you were so good for my younger heart kind of appreciation. 

You eventually stop missing someone you no longer know.

Even so, he may always have a piece of my heart in tow.....

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I Am 27 Years Old And I’m Moving Back In With My Parents

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While four of my closest friends are moving in with their boyfriends, I’m contemplating moving back in with my parents.

To other 27 years olds this may seem like a step backwards, but sometimes you have to go back to propel forward.

Traditionally, this is a time where people settle with a lover, buy a designer puppy and split a rent together. And while when I was 21 I thought that I would be married by 28, I now have aspirations that perhaps by 27 I’ll stop blacking out.

It seems doable and I read somewhere that it’s very important to set achievable goals because if you set goals and then don’t follow thru it can hinder future aspirations.

And I’m not trying to hold myself back from my future selfie. I should probably feel behind, but honestly I don’t. It’s been so long since I’ve been dependent on someone who isn’t family and I’m not sure I want to rely on someone.

Family is forever; a boyfriend is fleeting. My family is so forgiving, I used to be so mean to my mom when I was younger and she still loves me. I can’t recall any boyfriends who would have put up with me crying in hysterics while simultaneously screaming I hate you and still make me dinner.

But my mom, I can recall many a time she’s forgiven me for what I’ve said when I spoke impulsively. My parent’s love is unconditional. Love doesn’t exist like that anymore. So I’m going back to the source. The tribe.

I have spent the past three years living in expensive cities with low paying jobs to “chase my dreams” and have wound up with a lot of debt and many phone calls home asking for rent money.

I might as well save both parties at the bank. I spent so much of my youth dreaming about leaving my parents and now that I’m “supposed to be on my own” I find myself texting and calling them like a telemarketer.

I’m ready to stop using all the data on the family plan, It’s time I cash in. Thug, money, millennial. AKA my parent’s spare bedroom. On my most recent trip to visit my parents, my mom woke me up with a fresh juice in the morning. How could I not want to move back home? I don’t have to pay rent or buy groceries and I can live next to the ocean?

Sure I’ll have two roommates who are kind of annoying occasionally, but surely they will be better than my current situation.

My roommate has a folder of photos that he keeps to document my dish-washing ineptitudes. So I left a little honey on a spoon I put on the drying rack. With my parents I can say, “we’re all family here”, your honey is my honey. How am I supposed to care about a little crystalized honey when my mind is meddling on ways to save the world.

This whole ‘I’m going to move to the big city and create the life I’ve always wanted to chase my dreams’ is actually a load of shit.

Cause I’ve got expensive taste and I’m not a DIY kind of girl and this life I imagined for myself is kind of a Pinterest fail. The city is tiring and no one mentioned the bills, and how lonely it is to live with three strangers. And no one makes me juice in the morning.

I can see how some people would like to live on their own. Perhaps cultivate a relationship with the opposite sex, eventually move in with said significant other, but why get feelings involved when you could have all the perks with none of the uncertainty. I don’t want to wake up one morning and find out my boyfriend doesn’t like the taste of my honey anymore.

So my four closest friends are moving in with their boyfriends and I’m contemplating moving back in with my parents.

(Published April 10, 2017 on Thought Catalog)