I’m Single And Okay With It

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“Full disclosure: I have a girlfriend.” A friend texted me yesterday minutes before we were to grab a drink. I laughed to myself thinking this must have been slightly eating at him. Conversing with me regularly, not lying, but omitting the whole truth. We had fleeting moments of dating at times when my heart wasn’t whole, but in the recent months we were just friends.

And last night that’s what I needed, a friend, neutral ground to be with someone who knows me. I was coming off a couple days in the countryside with a man with potential, but after real chats with intention and dimension I knew we would never be more than friends. And it saddened me, but more so I just couldn’t wait to drop him off.

It’s funny how the heart knows, holding its contents tight, waiting for the one worth opening for. I wanted it to be real, but I could not for the life of me get my body to feel, anything. So I texted my “friend” I wanted comfort; connection with someone I know would just be there for me. A man I knew who would answer and listen.

I wondered if he thought I was texting him for a rekindling, knowing I have a tendency to keep my intentions cryptic. (What do you mean you can’t read my mind) I loved his straight forwardness and the fact he respects his girlfriend enough to tell me about her. I said “that’s fine” and finished with “actually that’s awesome, when and who and she’s a lucky girl”

We need more truth tellers, more men who are clear with their intentions in and out of relationships. I’m strive to fuck my morse code because vulnerability isn’t always comfortable (ironic I know), but I need a man with presented clear intentions and that requires me to do the same. I think when you meet someone who is your forever person you just know. I haven’t felt in the know for a long while.

And although that lack of knowledge scares me at times, I have a feeling its just part of the process. I don’t care to know anymore. I let my heart take the lead long ago And my mind eventually comes in tow I don’t believe we choose to love whom we do, but fate in the ultimate gate to courtship.

So for now I trust, it’s a must, a non negotiable when it comes to you and me. 

(Published on August 24, 2017 on Thought Catalog)